The Quest for the Magic Cupcake of Awesomeness
by Dragonlord Stephi
Summary: In which Arlon and Phosphora decide that they need a special type of pastry.


**The Quest for the Magic Cupcake of Awesomeness**  
**In which Arlon the Serene and Phosphora travel to find the recipe for the perfect pastry.**  
Starring: **Arlon the Serene **(main), **Phosphora** (main)

**Arlon: **Cooking is the epitome of civilization.  
**Lord Sunday: **No, it's gardening!  
**Arlon: **Who, pray tell, are you?  
**Viridi: **His fandom's nearly dead, leave the poor guy alone.  
**Edward Elric: **Hi guys!  
**Arlon: **WHAT IN THE JOLLY BLAZES ARE YOU DOING HERE?  
**Edward: **… Well, it's not like I can stay away.  
**Sunday: **Hello! We were talking about me!  
**Arlon: **(Ignores Sunday) Er, wasn't this chapter supposed to be about me and Phosphora?  
**Phosphora: **Yup, sweetie. But it's not like the others are going to leave us alone.  
**Arlon: **Please don't call me sweetie, dear. That might make people think that this is an ArlonxPhosphora ship, which would be wrong on so many levels**.**  
**Phosphora: **Eew. I did not need that image in my head.  
**Narrator: ***Ahem* No one did. This is getting to be a dreadfully long chat, guys. I should really start the story now.  
**Arlon: **Then please do.

* * *

Arlon the Serene was very calm and composed in many ways. He exercised tai chi every morning. He was a master in meditation. He spoke in a placid and smooth, silky voice that won him many oratory awards.  
And his éclairs were divine.  
Of course, it probably helped being the god of… well, something- he was really just a commander, but some theorized he was the patron god of well-behaved monocle-wearing gentlemen… but even on the Pantheon's level, his pastries were something special. They tasted as if heavenly light had infused the icing, and that chocolate no mortal could even dream of came and infused the delicious bites.  
His pastries and baked goods were so amazing that the mortals erected a tiered temple to thank the gods for the wedding cake he'd made for some prince and princess years ago that'd happened to gain the favor of the Pantheon for no one-knows-what-reason. Viridi herself was very grateful to have Arlon in her army, though she frequently asked him if his ingredients were organic.  
That made him extremely nervous, since he went shopping at the Bargain Mart and didn't bother to check whether or not his groceries were organic- merely a good steal, price-wise.  
Arlon was busy adding the finishing touches to his cream puffs when Phosphora sauntered up behind him. "Hi, Arlon," she said, popping one in her mouth.  
"Hello, Phosphora the Lightning Flash," Arlon said, his lips curling into a scowl. He did not appreciate people eating his treats before they were served.  
"So, have you seen Viridi anywhere?" Phosphora asked, picking up another puff and biting into it.  
"Mistress Viridi has gone to the park with young master Pit," Arlon answered, resisting the urge to hit Phosphora over the head with a cooking ladle lying nearby. Fortunately, his serene nature made sure it was a relatively small urge, and he was able to quash it without difficulty.  
"Mm-hmm," Phosphora said. "I see. So, I'm bored."  
"So, what?" Arlon replied, using the word Phosphora seemed very fond of this morning.  
"So let's go do something interesting," Phosphora retorted. She brandished a piece of paper. "I found this."  
"What is it?" Arlon put down his current project and drew near, interested despite himself.  
"It's a treasure map!" Phosphora exclaimed proudly. "And guess what it's for."  
"What's it for?"  
"Only the recipe for the Magic Cupcake of Awesomeness!" she crowed.  
"And you want to go look for it," Arlon concluded.  
"Wow, you're smart," Phosphora said. "Must be why you were in charge of guarding the Chaos Kin's prison. Wish I had that job."  
"You would have botched it," Arlon said placidly.  
"You botched it too," Phosphora pursed her lips. "I only lost to Pit because it was right after I was fighting Thanatos. I didn't have enough time to fully recover. I'm like a rechargeable battery- amazing, but so… darn… slow… to… juice… up."  
"Fine, fine," Arlon said. He didn't want to talk about Phosphora being likened to batteries. "Let's look for this cupcake. You must be really bored."  
"No duh."  
"Just let me finish my cream puffs," he said. "AND NO EATING THEM!" he added as Phosphora reached for another.  
"Sorry," she huffed, drawing back. "Be that way."

* * *

The map had a giant X drawn on Mount Fuji. Now, Japan was a far way aways from where Arlon and Phosphora were, but luckily, the Lightning Chariot made the miles melt away like butter left out for too long. Arlon was commanding the two unicorns, Lux and Phos, or, as Phosphora affectionately called them, Luxie and Halfie. Since Phosphora didn't seem to be a very responsible or safe driver, it only made sense to allow Arlon control of the chariot, even if, at first glance, it seemed more logical to allow a lightning goddess sovereignty over a lightning chariot.  
In several minutes, the two alighted at the base of Mount Fuji and began the long hike up. It was a terrible hike, since neither of them had thought ahead to bring water (they soon got thirsty), food (they got hungry much later, and unlike Pit, weren't willing to scavenge on the ground like vultures for floor ice cream), and bug spray (who knew Japan had so many blood-sucking varmints?).  
"I'm starting to think this was a really bad idea," Phosphora moaned.  
"I knew it would turn out this way from the start," Arlon sighed. He was contemplating going back, but at this point, they were closer to the summit of the mountain than the bottom. "At least this map is fairly straight-forward. At the top, we will find the magic cupcake?"  
"_Recipe_ for the magic cupcake," Phosphora corrected. "I wouldn't want an actual cupcake there. Think about it- it'd be all expired, stale, and gross. Not to mention full of maggots and rotten…"  
"I see," Arlon said.  
After several more tedious hours- actually, they were minutes, but it sure felt like hours- the two reached a cave with a low opening, mouth yawing wide with stalagmites and stalactites lining the maw to look like rows of canine fangs. In fact, the cave had the look of an evil face to it, due to several smaller openings above it that resembled eyes.  
"Wow, how stereotypical," Phosphora said, and rolled her eyes. "It's an evil cave with a face."  
"Indeed, its visage is most disturbing and yet, as you have said, stereotypical," Arlon quipped. He checked the map. "This is the place."  
"There won't be bats, will there?" Phosphora asked.  
"Doubtful, my dear Lightning Flash," Arlon answered. He strode forward proudly.  
True to many clichés, he ran out several seconds later screaming with bats swarming around him in great clouds of black.  
"Let's try that again," he said, and both he and Phosphora entered, more gingerly this time. Nothing happened, and no sound was heard, save their footfalls and the pitter-patter of dripping water.  
"Where's this water come from?" Phosphora asked.  
"I hope the parchment with the recipe is not damaged by it," Arlon said. "No doubt the water is from some stream above us."  
"Mount Fuji has a stream?" Phosphora said. "Are you sure? I don't think so."  
"I also don't think Mount Fuji has a cave that looks too much like an evil face," Arlon said.  
"Eh, I see your point."  
The tunnel sloped slowly downwards at a slight grade, but Arlon and Phosphora ran into no trouble. Other than the bats and the occasional insect, there was no life in the tunnel, and when they reached the treasure chest at the end of the passageway, they had a sense of foreboding lingering over their hearts.  
"You know, the evil face caves usually have some sort of trap when you open the chests," Phosphora said.  
"Ssh! You'll jinx it," Arlon ordered. "Stand back. I shall open this." With a flair-like movement, as if he was a magician about to showcase his next trick, Arlon reached down and lifted the lid of the treasure chest.  
It was empty.  
"You're kidding me!" Phosphora whined. "All this for nothing?"  
"No, I see that the inside of the chest is too small for the size of it," Arlon said. "It has a false bottom."  
"How can you tell?"  
Arlon tapped the monocle. "Magic."  
"Oh, yeah."  
After five minutes of bashing the chest against rocks, trying to pry the bottom out, and smashing fists against it, Phosphora and Arlon finally reached the 'secret compartment' of the chest and fished out a ratty-looking dinner napkin.  
"Eew," Phosphora said. "Gross."  
The napkin seemed to have been slightly used, but it did have some writing scribbled on it. Arlon held it up to see better and read it aloud. " 'Good job, pursuer of pastry perfection. You have reached the end of the quest for the Magic Cupcake of Awesomeness. Know that any cupcake to which you apply devotion and love will be imbued with the magic of happiness and joy. Go forth and make cupcakes.'"  
"Wow, how completely sappy," Phosphora said. "This _was _all for nothing. What a giant waste of time."  
"I wouldn't say so," Arlon said. "We had fun, at least."  
Though how he said that with a straight face, Phosphora didn't know.  
At that moment, a low rumbling filled the cave with the stereotypical evil face.  
"You're kidding me," Phosphora said to no one in particular. "This is falling apart!"  
True to her words, rocks began falling from the ceiling. But that wasn't the end of their troubles. A giant boulder plopped behind them and began rolling towards them.  
Arlon calmly said, "Run."  
"WHAT IN THE WORLD?!" Phosphora shrieked as they broke into shambling sprints (in Phosphora's case) and graceful gallops (in Arlon's). "THIS IS SO CLICHÉ IT HURTS!"  
"Indeed," Arlon agreed. "Usually, in films and whatnot, the temple/cave/tomb falls apart when the adventurer/Indiana Jones-character/raider acquires the treasure/artifact/secret."  
"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!" Phosphora screamed.  
"Miss Phosphora, not to be rude, but why panic? We fly."  
"Oh, right. Wait a minute- then we could've skipped the entire hike."  
"Indeed."  
Well, escaping rolling boulders is much easier when one is flying than when one is running. After all, it eliminates the risk of tripping.  
Thus, Arlon and Phosphora managed to escape both the cave with the evil face and get back to the bottom of Mount Fuji, where Phos and Lux greeted their masters with happy whinnies and snorts. They were back in the sky in no time.  
"We didn't pick up any sushi," Phosphora complained, "or mochi, or riceballs, or Hi-Chews, or even our own fandom's merchandise! What's the point of going to Japan if we can't get that stuff?"  
"We haven't truly left yet," Arlon replied.  
"Do you think Viridi would care if we made just a quick stop at Tokyo?" Phosphora asked.  
Arlon smiled slyly. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all so long as we bring her an omiyage."  
"A what?"  
Arlon shook his head at his young companion's lack of knowledge. "Souvenier," he explained. "For shame, Phosphora. Have you forgotten your native tongue of Japanese?"  
Phosphora shrugged. "English dubbing."

* * *

**Pit: **But it's not like our game got a _bad_ dub. Nintendo did a pretty good job. I mean… it could have been worse. We could have been sold to 4Kids.  
**Arlon: **Do not even mention such a calamity! Oh, One Piece, Winx Club… countless shows they have destroyed and decimated!  
**Phosphora: **How could we be sold to 4Kids anyway? We're in a video game. They deal with shows.  
**Pit: **Oh, right. Still.  
**Arlon: **We must count our blessings. There are so many violated dubs out there. Let us take a moment of silence to remember those terrible dubs, amongst which are Deltora Quest, Fantastic Children, Towards the Terra, and countless others' whose voices shouldn't be heard, due to intense pain in the ears.  
**Narrator: **A moment of silence, then.  
***A silent moment passes***  
**Pit: **Okay, now that that's over… what souvenir did you get me?  
**Arlon and Phosphora: **…  
**Pit: **YOU DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING?!


End file.
